You know Dee is such a right man™ that seeing Alexis so happy with Frances really made him feel awful to still have all these unrequited feelings for her at some point after a long time knowing the Phantomhives, so one day, drunk out of his mind, he went to Vincent and confessed about how he has had this crush on his sister for so very long and that he felt terrible not being able to get over it since Alexis is somehow like a brother to him.
And Vincent actually went super serious on him and told him after a moment of silence that he’d think of a solution, as if he really understood.
The following morning though, Dee was hung-over and mortified because he could completely remember the discussion with Vincent and was afraid of Vincent actually mentioning all of this to Alexis (or any other living human being really), so he couldn’t stop angsting, but then Vincent showed up all normal and smiling, went up to him and said, “Dee, I think it would be a good idea to talk to Midford about it, I’m sure he’ll be very understanding”.
So Dee was surprised, mostly of Vincent actually helping him without any sort of mockery though, but seeing as Vincent was technically the closest thing he had to a friend (not that he’d admit it to his face) and that he was generally known to be practical and sociable to others, Dee thought that listening to his advice would be the best thing to do (honestly he was really tired of feeling guilty about feeling lustful about the sister of the guy he was the fag of and who married his own fag).
So right man Dee™, in order not to feel guilty anymore and to maybe finally put all his feelings behind him, decided to be brave and showed up the following night at the Midford estate with Vincent in tow for dinner with Alexis and Frances.
Obviously the evening was awful for Dee and he couldn’t hardly eat anything because he was afraid of Alexis declaring him a most horrible friend all these years for lusting after his wife (because *horrified voice* friends don’t do that shit), but when alone with Alexis, he remained brave and brought up the subject by himself, stuttering on every word and bowing his head as an apology multiple times.
And when he looked up after a few seconds of silence, he was actually surprised when Alexis didn’t look angry at all at his words.
In fact, Alexis went up to him, put his hands on his shoulders and said “Oh Diederich, of course I understand and I’m glad you told me”. And Dee was relieved about this because at least, even if single, he’d remain a right man™ until the end of his life, worthy of the few friends he had (again not that he’d tell them that), but that’s when Alexis put one of his hands on his cheek, and with the most fond look ever, told him, “In fact, I’m delighted you told me because I had this idea in mind for a while too. Yes, I’m sure Frances would be very happy to……..”
((And meanwhile a red alert had issued in Dee’s brain the moment Hand met Cheek like “???????”, “when did the misunderstanding happen/OMG what?!WAS?!” and what about the Hand on his Cheek, seriously no gay, it’s not the right time era????))
“…To have a threesome with you.”
And at this point Dee almost died of a cardiac arrest because omg what was wrong with that man, since when did he have kinks like that, in fact Dee didn’t even want to know about that shit and…
“LOL”
Wait… Was that Phantomhive’s voice?
And of course it was, because as he turned around, Vincent was there, literally dying of laughter near the door while Alexis was also almost pissing himself, laughing as loudly as he was. Meanwhile Dee was still “????” because he had literally not a single idea of what had happened.
At some point, composing himself and wiping off his tears, Vincent clapped a still confused!Dee on the back, exchanged a joyful glance with Alexis and told him “Ha! You thought you could prank me, but in the end Alexis and I turned the joke on you, Dee! Nice try though!”
Meanwhile Dee was still “????@lezjndknzrl?!”, which meant basically not a single clue as to what was going on as well as a serious case of nervous breakdown in sight, with Alexis who just wouldn’t stop clapping his shoulder and laughing, as if he had just heard the best joke of his life.
Then after a few more minutes of that *hilarious* situation, Vincent said “whew, how about a coffee? I think I need to sit down, I laughed too much” while Alexis vehemently agreed because he almost couldn’t walk himself and as they left the room, Vincent turned to him and said “Dee, you coming? Don’t make that face, come on, and don’t be such a sore loser. It’s not my fault I managed to turn your prank for april fool’s day against you, you make it too easy!”
But seeing as Dee was still (._.) out of sheer confusion, Vincent misunderstood, sighed and added, “Well okay, I’ll admit it, you’re a good actor. Going so far as to act the part of a real drunk guy to make me believe such a crazy story, you almost had me going. But in the end, I know you too well my dear fag, and nothing can beat your love for sandwiches, haha! xDDDDD ”
And as Phantomhive walked out of the room, Dee the right man™ at the end and without sandwiches be first like (╬⓪益⓪) …..
Then like（╬ಠ益ಠ)
And finally (‡▼益▼)
- Happy ending though (‘cause he deserves it after all that shit)
This utter humiliation at the hands of the two worst men who ever lived gave him enough courage to go face Frances directly and tell her these feelings the other two almost smothered him with. And he didn’t feel guilty in the slightest when Frances shrugged and answered “well if Alexis ever dies, then yeah sure I’ll come leave in Germany with you.”
Now he only needed to kill Midford without anyone realizing it was him.
____________________________________
A/N: I needed to change my mind and initially I wanted to send a headcanon in an ask, but then it became this huge shit of almost 1000 words and I literally have no idea what happened.
Please forgive me. That’s all Dee’s fault. Forgive him.
Thanks to @midnight-in-town for the awesome submission! 10/10 the most dramatic and touching Diederich fanfic TM ever written!
midnight-in-town 